2012

Looks like I’m up to one post a year with somewhat fewer actual readers.  I haven’t actually publicized this thing, since I’m not all that sure I like having everybody and their next door neighbor rooting around in my cerebral cortex.  So I didn’t go home over the holidays this time, just stuck around the ponderosa.  My daughter stopped in twice, once with her new french boyfriend.  Seems like a nice kid.  Brother John did make it back to Colorado, and Mom’s sounding pretty good, almost over that broken hip last August.  Today I’m rather listless.  All week in fact I haven’t been able to motivate myself to do anything at all.  All those new year’s resolutions, but then no resolve when push comes to shove.  It is hard spending all my time working on other people’s projects.  The wife’s started on a suicide mission to remodel the basement room.  This has necessitated my intervention for all heavy lifting and any critical wiring.  Most of the drywall’s up, but I must confess that I could give a shit about the whole project.  It’s supposedly to improve the marketability of the house, but considering that there is no market the whole exercise seems pretty pointless.  I feel no sense of ownership in this place and have spent the last year being resentful of being enslaved by a piece of property that I don’t want, in terms of expense to the tune of $38k per year for mortgage, property tax and insurance, plus endless hours doing yard care, home repairs, and now this downstairs room project.  I haven’t done something productive that was my idea for over five years it seems.  At work or at home.  So instead of doing anything about it I’m spewing stream of consciousness onto this blog that no one will ever read.  Unfortunately that’s how I feel about publishing anything resembling science.  No one’s ever going to read it so fuck it all.  I do believe that the death of my father followed this past December by a favorite author of mine has done something to me, not in a good way.  It appears I need to decide what I want to be when I grow up.  So this particular post is just one of those things that I don’t know why I’m even doing it.  Then I read about all the bad stuff happening in the world, which should cheer me up, since my situation isn’t exactly dire.  It is easy to see how things could be much much worse.  I suppose the emotional isolation I’ve had for most of the past eleven years isn’t helping.  I can count the number of people that I can carry on a meaningful conversation with on one hand.  Maybe I’ll go on a bike ride and try and snap out of it.  dammitall.  gd